A Survival Guide, from the movies

A Survival Guide from the movies . Tips to keep you alive!!

Never, under any circumstances approach your fallen arch nemesis when there is any form of mist in the surrounding area/areas. In fact, just avoid mist all together.

     

Never, under any circumstances enter a dark room and ask, “Hello? Is anybody there?” Yes. There is someone there, lurking in the shadows.

Repeat this phrase to yourself, “STAY WITH THE GROUP.” If you leave you leave the group, there ain’t no coming back.

GET ON THE LIFE BOAT. Let Jack have the chance to live.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you have to wonder whether a person can be trusted, in most circumstances this means betrayal is inevitable.

If there is any opportunity for you to befriend a Wizard, do so immediately (just make sure he on the good side and all). When all hope is lost, he will save the day.

Always carry back ups-food, shelter, gun, knife–because you can be sure the moment you will need the said items the most, they will be fall by chance into a dark, never ending crack in the earth. At this moment, backups are essential to your immediate survival.

 

Watch the movie “He’s Just Not that Into You,” and apply it to your life.

 

 

Never take the short cut, this almost always leads to destruction of person and/or death.

Men, remember to dress appropriately for the weather. Women, there is no need to worry about this, even in the harshest of temperatures women have been found to survive in stilettos and a string bikini.

   

If, on your journey, you ever encounter any creature by the name of Jar Jar Binks, back away slowly. Protecting your sanity and metal health is just as important as protecting your physical body.

 

Avoid dolls of any kind, at any cost.

It is important to note clowns are never funny, happy creatures. More often then not they want to harm/and or end your life.

  

Never underestimate your opponent.

I know there are many, many more survival tips we can learn from the movies. What tips have you learned that could be added to this list?

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Bathrooms, wall to wall carpet and other mysteries of the universe

The universe has many mysteries.

One such mystery is why…oh why, did people ever decide wall to wall carpeting in the bathroom was a good idea?

bathroom-carpet

I suppose this mystery isn’t completely unsolved to the masses of the world. You may be one of those individuals who put carpet in your bathroom. WHY???

I am bringing up this topic today because I am one of those people who own (I guess I should say rent? but that sounds strange!) a bathroom in which the entire floor is blanketed in carpet. I should note that I DID NOT put the carpet there. I’m pretty sure it’s been there for nearly 50 years. (Along with all the appliances in the house! The house is like a well preserved view of life and interior designing in the 1960s.) At one point I think the carpet was pink, matching the tiles on the wall and shower; slowly it has faded into a dull, liver and pink colored monstrosity.

You ask: Autumn, why not just rip the carpet out and tile the floor? Stop fussing!

My answer: I rent.

The people I rent from are ever so nice! They are literally the nicest of the nice. But they like the carpet in there. I cannot bring myself to ask why. It might change my opinion of them. I’M KIDDING! They like it because tiles are cold and hard and carpet is a softer, warmer option. All I can think is: True…but what if the toilet over flows? What if you spill your hair gel on it? And again…what if the toilet over flows???

Another reason I am bringing up this topic today is because over the weekend an incident occurred involving the said carpet.

It all started on Friday.

As I was getting ready to head out to work, I run into my bathroom and do a final “did I unplug the curling iron & straightener check.”

Whoops! I didn’t! Glad I checked. The cords are ripped from the wall and I am whirling around to turn off the light and leave.

But then…

Huh? Is it just me, or does it look like a section of the carpet is extra dark– more liver colored than the rest?

Perhaps it is just the lighting. I inch closer. Strange. Then I remember the time. Got to go! I will investigate later.

Later…

I return from work, walk into the bathroom and jump back.

Yeah…that’s not discoloration. Or the lighting.

It’s Lake Eyrie.

A sopping, puddle of what I imagine probably emerged from the toilet has taken over more than half of the bathroom.

The only thing one can do in this situation is scream in horror.

Toilet water. It may be clean looking, but we all know the word clean should never be used to describe toilet water. Oh! And how the carpet loves it. It is drinking it right up.

I have no idea how the water has escaped its ceramic prison, as no one used the toilet at all that day, but the fact of the matter is… it has.

I am an adult. And being an adult means you have to do things you don’t want to do. You have to pay for things you don’t want to pay for. I had to clean this mess up. After soaking up the water the best I could and pouring sterilization cleaners on the carpet I realized…how can it ever possibly get truly clean? Carpet has so many nooks and crannies, twists and turns.

Light bulb!

I could burn it. I could burn the blasted carpet and be rid of it FOREVER and the bathroom would be clean once again.

It is too bad burning it was out of the question. But I think I just might have the winning argument for ripping the carpet out and tiling. Cross your fingers!

I’ll end my story now, and put it in that lovely storage room of case files filled with the mysteries of the universe. With a big permanent marker I’ll write across the top, “This file contains information to solving the mystery as to why people carpet their bathrooms wall to wall…and evidence on how this practice SHOULD BE ILLEGAL!” Lengthy, but necessary.

It’s April 1st everyone

Hello Everyone!

Wondering about the April Fool’s jokes going around today? Anyone up to no good? 😉

If you need a good joke to play here’s one I did last year: 

What you need: Reese’s Peanut Butter Easter Egg Candy, chocolate chips (just pop them in the microwave for a few seconds to get them melted), and cherry tomatoes.

People love chocolate. And typically chocolate covered things are flat out irresistible (unless you are like me and can’t have too much sugar!). So I thought, why not cover something nasty with chocolate? I went to the store and bought Reese’s Peanut Butter Easter Egg Candies and I also bought a little box of cherry tomatoes. I melted down some chocolate chips and dipped the cherry tomatoes in the chocolate and then put them in the freezer so the chocolate would harden. I unwrapped about six of the Reese’s eggs, this was the tough part, keeping the wrappers from ripping, and set the wrappers aside. I pulled the chocolate dipped tomatoes out of the freezer and carefully wrapped them up in the Reese’s Easter Egg candy wrappers. I put them in a candy dish along with some genuine Reese’s eggs…and waited. Yeah, watching someone take a bite out of one of those was a pretty good moment in my life. 😉

What’s the best prank you’ve played on someone? What is the best prank someone has played on you? 

Is that a mustache? random story

Off weeks and off days…we all have these days that add a little spice(?) to our lives. I have a lot of these days….

Here is a random story from my weekend…

On Friday, I was rudely (haha) awoken by my alarm clock. Groaning like a hungry zombie I blindly felt for my cell phone to stop the horrible jingle that is telling me I can no longer sleep. I finally located it and held it above my head, squinting my eyes against it’s blinding light. As I dismissed the alarm, trying to decide if I should just close my eyes for five more minutes, slip!

 Why do people get botox...why...??  photo credit: travel.yahoo.com

Why do people get botox…why…??
photo credit: travel.yahoo.com

The phone falls from my hand and smacks my face, right on my lip. OUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! For about five seconds I couldn’t breathe, speak, or think about anything but the sharp pain that shot through my face. Well, now I was awake. The sharp pain is replaced by a throb that pulses through my lip and up my cheek. I touched my lip and it felt like someone has cut open my skin and stuffed a peanut inside. I stumble to the bathroom, flick on the light. This was just a little phone…not a phone from the 1980’s or something. Wow! I almost laugh at my reflection, I look like I have just gone to a shady plastic surgery clinic and was injected with botox. But, other than the swelling, my lip is only bruised and gross on the inside, at least I can be thankful for that.

Over the weekend, I started to notice a blue hew above the left side of my lip. With each passing hour the hew became purplish spots. By Sunday the purple bruises had taken over. To my horror I noticed it looked  like I was sporting a half-grown mustache from far away… Mortification! Even with foundation I couldn’t hide the bruise “stache”. So I’ve been keeping my head low at work and around town trying to be unseen. I definitely have gotten some weird looks. As I was thinking about my predicament, I suddenly realized I was experiencing “bad karma”; about 4 years ago I drew a mustache on my twin sister with a permanent marker while she slept. She woke up and the mustache was only half complete. (It was hilarious!) Four years later, now I have a half mustache. Andrea, I am sorry, so very sorry.  Who knew my little phone could cause so much trouble? Curse my phone!

 Where’s the weirdest place you’ve ever dropped your phone?

Absorbed…

When I go for a run (most of the time it ends up being a walk with a sprint here and there because I cannot handle more!) so I guess IImage should say when I go for a walk, and I am alone, my thoughts will often turn to writing….and my novel. The juices start to flow, and my brain starts to create hopeful masterpieces of literature. I think about plot twists, build scenes and try to hash out the things I have written in my notebook under the section “Figure this out/Think about this”. (yes I actually have that section!)Sometimes I can get carried away…

One particular day I got off of work at 2:30pm and was out the door starting my walk at 3:10pm. I was ready to create. I was ready to dream up some words. I was needing to hash out an important scene from the climax portion of my novel….my thoughts were bound to run deep…especially since it was on my mind since the morning. When the writing creating gets into gear as I walk it’s like I am in a bubble…untouchable. My legs work like a motor-car on a track walking the same rounds I have walked about 10 MILLION TIMES.

I start off…walk. think. walk. think. attempt to run. never-mind. walk. think. walk. think. walk. think. I am totally absorbed in thought. Simply put, “Earth to Autumn. Earth to Autumn.”

Suddenly I see that I am going to pass a mailman carrying a cream, blue and red sack filled with all sorts of letters, bills and junk mail. I am sort of forced from my robotic state as I near him. It is engrained in me to offer a friendly greeting of some kind when passing a fellow walker/hiker/biker…etc. I tell my brain…which is still going wild…to stop. “DON’T BE RUDE!”

The mailman says, “Hey, how you do’n?”

I say in my most cheerful and very loudly, “GOOD MORNING!” (just in case you missed it…it was well into the afternoon!)

He scrunches his eyebrows and I walk on (this motor doesn’t stop for anyone!).

I am thinking, “Oh my gosh Autumn. Good morning? Really? You couldn’t just say ‘Hi’? Whatever…I’m sure he didn’t notice!”

Suddenly a deep voice from behind me says, “Did you just wake up or something?” Laughter follows.

I turn around, laughing and say, “I just was thinking ….I just told that guy goodmorning!”

He laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs and says, “Well, you better to get yourself a cup of coffee…or take a nap or something.”

I laugh again and add, “I guess three cups of coffee no longer cuts it!”

He is just turning pink with laughter…I really added some humor to his day! I laughed along with him at myself and then continued on course. I also noted what time of day it was.

Have you ever been so absorbed in your thoughts or novel creation that you said or did something weird or funny?